Wrestles with God

I have recently been having what you might call “doubts”. It all started on our lab Christmas outing – as usual, I was closely questioned about being a Christian from all angles. I enjoy the questions about theology and so on, and I think I answered them fairly well, but the question that really stung boiled down to this:

How can you believe something so stupid?

At the time I talked about how yes, my beliefs are arbitrary in some sense – I can’t say why Christianity is true but Buddhism, Islam, Hinduism and others aren’t, but I argued that atheism is arbitrary too, and that it goes against the weight of history – the overwhelming majority of people have believed in the supernatural. I held my ground ok, although I don’t think I convinced anyone!

It was only afterwards that I realised I had been knocked sideways by this question. It wasn’t intellectual content of the question that was the problem, it was the weight of the opinions of people whom I know to be intelligent, open-minded and sensible. How can I believe something so “stupid”?

I guess my first realisation was that I do believe it. It’s surprising how much one conversation can shake the foundations, but I was left still believing it, but wondering why I do.

Another thought I had was the fact that on issues like this, science (my collegues are scientists) is just as old-fashioned as Christianity. We both try and argue from an early 20th century position – using certainties and “facts” as if they are undeniable. The argument from the position that atheism is obviously true is dying out rapidly. Several of my collegues are struggling themselves with the fact that they are just as unsure as the rest of the world. One describes herself as “an atheist with a bit of wikka” (i.e. earth-mother hippie stuff) and another probably doesn’t believe in God but if he did he’d be a Quaker. People were really interested in what I had to say, not just as a curiosity.

So maybe their opinions weren’t all I should listen to. And, in a typically our-generation attitude, I turned to my feelings for some evidence.

And I found some.

Basically, it makes sense. When I look back at my life, I see God working in it. If I assumed God didn’t exist, lots of things just wouldn’t make sense.

I hate it when you hear a testimony where someone had some awful problems and then they were sorted out, and now they’re telling you about it. This article is starting to sound a bit like that, but that’s not really how it is. I am recovering from being knocked sideways, and I am feeling better, but that question hasn’t gone away. I know if I were in their position I would ask the same thing.

Yesterday I thought about it like a marriage. I have promised to my wife that I’ll stay with her no matter what. Even if I go off her completely, I have promised to work for her good – to love her in the practical meaning of doing things. Similarly, I’ve promised to serve God, and if I doubt he exists I want to stay faithful to my promise for as long as I can. (Of course, if I really decided he definitely didn’t exist I couldn’t go on with this indefinitely.) So I’ll go on, trusting my “experience” or “feelings” or whatever, and see if I can find something more reassuring sometime soon.

This is for a good friend of mine who has started to think that it’s all made up. I don’t know why, but as I read this this morning I thought it was for you, mate:

Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

I know it doesn’t sound appropriate, but there it is.

Jesus, why did you make me?

Presumably for some kind of relationship.

Apparently for a friendship.

So why is there nothing?

What do friends do? They talk together – spend time, laugh, discuss.

I just sit.

Where are you?

I just sit and talk to the air.

And wish it was different.

Don’t you?

But you’re the one who can change it.

So tell me

Why did you make me?

And leave me here like this

I’m so disappointed with my Christian enginiering. You know the place in your heart that spent a good deal of time learning what to and what not to say in order to look good. Yeah, you know the one… the socially acceptable Christian. The less “feeling” taste great Christian. It seems like for the first time in my life what I would have done is actually being over-rided by what I should do.

What kind of a sick place am I in right now in my life where I would actually want to give real grace? You know the kind of grace I’m talking about? Maybe you’re like me where all you’ve experienced passing out is the “oh yeah, I forgive” you type crap where you actually didn’t really get hurt to begin with but was just slightly disjointed. I actually want to forgive someone and it will truly mean giving up something. Where is that surface, ignore mode guy, self affirmed and justified joker in my life? I mean I’m really upset because this will mean that this person gets off scott free and that’s what I’m beginning to think will be okay with me? I mean by every experience I’ve ever had I should have told this sister in Christ where to go! Instead, I’m praying for her? I can’t believe that I’m actually pursuing someone who has hurt me tremendously. This is the kind of baloney people write about in books and give you steps to implement stuff. As I stop and think about it I realize that after I am done with this, and she is restored, there’s pretty much no reason why I won’t be able to love and forgive anybody for just about anything. Why am I not fighting this or looking for a convient out? It’s a blessing and a curse. She’s going to walk away with the greater offense and I am going to gain only the knowledge that I did the right thing. If all of you out there olny knew what had happened to me you would be saying, “dude are you serious? why didn’t you verbally retort or pull out all that scripture to run her into the ground with? she’s almost single-handedly dismantled your ministry!” You would look at me and say, “You want to actually restore her and pursue her?” Let me tell you that what I am experiencing right now, it’s no wonder I use to be so token. I’ve been a Christian for eighteen years and a full time minister for eight of those years and I’ve just discovered that I’ve never really given grace! God help me, because I think I’m growing as a Christian and relaize I’m going to lose myslef in the process.

There’s a plague across the land.

It leads to much evil and pain.

It deceives with its attractive twisting of the real truth.

Dare you whisper its name?

…new testamentitis…

“NTitis” has been with us in various forms for a long time, but I feel it’s having a real resurgence at the moment in some churches.

What is it?

NTitis, n. a basic failure to understand that the New Testament is fundamentally connected with, and built upon, the Old Testament, and the two cannot be divorced. This may often be connected with e.g. naivety, unfounded idealism, guilt, literalism, harsh judgement.

Let’s take an example:

In Phillipians 1 Paul spends some time talking about how happy he is to be imprisoned for God, and about how he is torn between wanting to die to be with God and wanting to stay in order to do all kinds of horrible things to advance the gospel.

This could lead us to think that whenever we feel discouraged or beaten down by problems that we are sinning by not following Paul’s example. It could also make us feel guilty about not really believing in heaven enough that we are still scared of dieing.

Of course, if we meditate on things a bit further we’ll probably realise that what Paul is saying here is a sort of public face he’s portraying – he’s trying to encourage others that their own suffering is worthwhile, and that heaven really does exist. I assume it wasn’t meant to make us feel guilty for being down about our problems, and I also assume Paul didn’t always feel quite as upbeat as this about his imprisonment and torture.

However, if we read and absorb a good bit of the Old Testament, we won’t have any problem realising it’s ok to feel down sometimes. There are the obvious choices like Job (who I’m always going on about) who complained and complained not just that his life was hard but that it was God’s fault, and God said he had spoken what was right, and Lamentations which is all about how bad things are, and begging God to make them better. There are also loads more examples: just how cheerful was Moses when God called him? (Exodus 3) Or Jeremiah? (Jeremiah 1) In fact a lot of the prophets seemed to spend their whole lives complaining to God privately and at Israel in public. There is a great tradition of complaining for God throughout the ages (that’s why I think this site is quite Biblical…)

And to go back to Paul, notice that I said if we meditate on it a bit we can understand better. That word meditate was delierate: another problem with taking the New Testament on its own is that it often feels like its meaning is pretty obvious; almost like we should just read it through once and then put it into practice. The Old Testament teaches us about the need to meditate on our “scriptures”. Not just by telling us to do it (e.g. Psalms 1, 18, 19, …,) but mainly by just being more indirect. You have to absorb the history and the poetry before it can teach you about God. It doesn’t just tell you the answers and ask you to try and believe them.

Another example: 1 Peter 1 tells us to “be holy”. It says it in a way that suggests that this is pretty easy. It tells us that we can do it – it’s possible. This could lead us to feel that we’re not good enough to be a Christian because we fail. Now, again, if we meditate on this we realise that Peter is encouraging us, not discouraging, and we also see some pretty raw expression of the kind of struggle we (I at least) face in Romans 7:15, but this lone passage doesn’t compare with the entire history of Israel, and most of the individual lives described in the OT, that are full of failure and disappointment as well as trust and obedience (Numbers 20, Amos, …).

So by absorbing and meditating on the way God treats his servants, both rebellious ones and just plain failing ones, and seeing the love and forgiveness flowing from him over and over, we can get some perspective on the fact that God does want us to do right, but that he is perfectly capable of forgiving us over and over and over and over more times than we can bear.

It might sound like I’m against the New Testament completely from the way I’m putting this. That’s not it at all (although I do admit I prefer to read the OT) – all I’m saying is that the writers of the NT in almost every case took it for granted that their readers would be familiar with the OT. Jesus referred to it all the time. Often what Paul is doing in his letters is trying to change a wrong interpretation of the OT, or to argue that Jesus has fulfilled a certain bit of it. If we read the NT without having it in the perspective of the OT we risk completely misunderstanding it.

1 and 2 Peter are among my favourite books in the Bible because for me they capture what I’m trying to say here – they build on what we (the human race) learnt about God during the entire OT history, and talk about the incredibly exciting new truth we now know, that suddenly makes the OT make a bit more sense.

All I’m saying is, most of your Bible is OT – I personally have learnt a lot more about God from the OT than the NT in my personal reading time, and it’s good stuff!

So read it, meditate on it, and write an article about what you discover 😉

It’s not often I read something that says somthing better than I think I could (I’m quite arrogant, btw), but here is one:

Quiet time guilt

Wow.

It has really moved me, and I want to add some thoughts below, but I would also like others to comment and reflect on this.

On his destination home while walking down his street on a midsummers afternoon he notices a man far off by the pavement of his traditional church.

‘No it couldn’t be it must be a large object instead, a human could not be lying like that on the surface of where all are treading?’ He says to himself. Unconvinced by his quick assumptions he continues walking down the same direction he sees this thing on the pavement. He almost arrives while he starts to detect that it must be something left for trash, but no. He first sees sneakers then jogging wear then a bottle in one hand with the other crouched up like a baby. ‘Oh my’! He says to himself as he reaches the church entrance where the figure openly lies. He suddenly starts to reduce his pace and wonders at what he sees? ‘What! Is this a person lying down in this hot weather while all pass, dehydrated and weary and in front of the church?!’

He says to himself while still walking. Passing by the lying figure on the ground at the entrance of the church, he suddenly stops as he almost passes by the head. ‘He is human!’ He says to himself. ‘And he must be tired it is so hot, and why is he just lying there burnt-faced eyes-closed and numb.!’ He knows that on the opposite side of his street has a shopping centre, few markets and bus-stops with people watching on and waiting. While to his left there are few ATM’s and people standing by and passing along. He finally bows his head down at the figure in despair and then slowly walks away with respect to what he has just seen.

Why does this man feel moved by seeing a figure by lying the high-street pavement?

Or is he moved at all?

Did he take notice that people were passing and watching, and was waiting for a reaction from them to the sight he saw?

Should he have done something to what he saw?

Did he care? Should he have just passed by like everyone else he saw did?

Should he care? Is there something to care about?

Finally what did he show respect to, himself or the figure by the pavement?

Is he horrible?….

I am stupid, I hear the lyrics of D.C Talk ‘Seek to confirm my suspision that I am still in need of a Saviour’

I total stink or is it that I am getting closer to God. If you spend five mins with me you’ll realise.

I am a lier, a creep, bad boy friend, lustfull, I smell am well over weight need to grow up. Need to realise that for a time such as this but why cant I change?

I dare not even put my name on here incase some reconises my name and I look like a failure but even if they do it is true and like it is all sin so hey prayer for me rightouse one! and as paul weller sings heal me holy man

I have recently been looking throgh Paul’s letter to the Corinthians and especially the bit about the Lord’s Supper (1 Cor 11 v 17-26). Although I have read this passage many times before, this time, it became very powerful.

It’s the bit when Paul says to the Corinthians that they do more harm than good meeting in the way they do. Trying to understand the background I looked into Chapter 1 and found out how the early church had sort of lost its way forgetting the centrality of the cross of Christ and ending up in big arguments. In chapter 11 I think Paul is saying that because the community of Christians didn’t recognise each other as part of the body of Christ, equal, chosen (Chapter 1) then what they did in their ‘meetings’ was harmful. Someone has said that there was too much spiritual snobbery!

So is it still the same today I thought? When we take communion do we recognise everyone as equal? Is it the same in other services…if we don’t recognise everyone as chosen by God … do we cause harm on each other?

I often come away from church feeling fed up. What I’m trying to do now is to ask whether those feelings are because I cannot tolerate other people’s expression of faith. Is it because their style of leading, prayers, ethics is not in line with mine that I find it difficult. This is a big problem because I can’t see how I can change my own feelings and beliefs whilst also accepting that others are just as right??

Andrew

Whenever anyone mentions the whole God-is-your-father thing meaning think of God actually like you think about your parents, instead of just saying the word Father at the beginning of prayers, all I can think of is that you have to be careful about that because some people have bad fathers so that could give them the wrong impression about what God is like.

But I always think – well, I’m ok for that because my dad’s a good dad so I don’t have to watch that because it’s ok for me to think of God as being like my dad – but I never actually get on to actually thinking about God as being like my dad.

Read that sentence again a few times. It honestly does make sense.

I once gave this web site address to my dad so he might read this, so I’d better think carefully about what I say! Dad: if you ever do read this, it’s absolutely fine for you to read it, but just don’t get too big-headed…

Because literally yesterday I actually thought about what I would gain if I did imagine God was a bit like my dad, and it’s a lot.

You see, my dad is the ultimate example for me of strength through weakness. He is the only person I know who has really been broken by God and come out better off. You see David wasn’t kidding when he said “Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?” to God – God really does do that to people. But my dad’s the only person I know who (after years of “crying out by day, but you do not answer”) eventually got to where he could say “Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One,” “Yet you brought me out of the womb; you made me trust in you.”

What is important is that my dad’s brokenness has not gone – he’s not some kind of cheesey “even stronger than before,” he’s weak – and God is strong through him.

So what has this got to do with God – surely God isn’t strong through weakness – he’s strong through strength, right? But this is the thing that thinking about this has really taught me – maybe that’s not the important thing.

What was the Psalm I was quoting? Psalm 22. And what’s special about that Psalm? It’s the Psalm Jesus quoted at the worst and most crucial time of his life: “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” I always thought that that is the real reason it was important to Jesus to say that he was from the line of David, because this Psalm and others like it perfectly sum up Jesus’ life: strength through weakness.

OK, OK so Jesus is strong through weakness, but God the father is strong through strength, surely?

Well, maybe – I don’t know, but here’s what I thought: I don’t care!

I’ve come to a profound point in my life – I’ve never been here before – there’s a point of theology about this, and I don’t care! I don’t care what God is really like on some abstract plane, I care about whether I can get my head around what he’s like in some concrete plane.

Something I have trouble with with God is finding hime love-able. I can sort of be grateful (abstractly, anyway), but I don’t really feel there’s anything there to love.

But thinking about God as being like my dad – weak, broken, struggling to survive under the weight of … everything – that makes me able to love him.

(Blimey I’m making my dad sound like a psycho – I don’t mean it like that.)

If I think of the garden of Eden as God crushed under the guilt of starting all this when he knew this would happen, I can love him – if I think of God sending Jesus because it was the least he could do after he put us in this situation – if I think of God inspiring those beautiful, freeing words “Meaningless, meaningless, everything is meaningless,” then I can love him – I can love God!

And yes, it’s theologically incorrect, and I really do care about that – (I’m not as postmodern as I think I am) – but it helps … I feel like I’ve taken a step forward here, and that doesn’t happen often.

So, if by just thinking something wrong I can feel something right then I’ll do it, and maybe you should too. What’s more important: that God is all-powerful or that God is love? No contest in my book: otherwise we’d just have the one testament.

Thanks dad.