i've just discovered that I've never really given grace

I'm so disappointed with my Christian enginiering. You know the place in your heart that spent a good deal of time learning what to and what not to say in order to look good. Yeah, you know the one... the socially acceptable Christian. The less "feeling" taste great Christian. It seems like for the first time in my life what I would have done is actually being over-rided by what I should do.

What kind of a sick place am I in right now in my life where I would actually want to give real grace? You know the kind of grace I'm talking about? Maybe you're like me where all you've experienced passing out is the "oh yeah, I forgive" you type crap where you actually didn't really get hurt to begin with but was just slightly disjointed. I actually want to forgive someone and it will truly mean giving up something. Where is that surface, ignore mode guy, self affirmed and justified joker in my life? I mean I'm really upset because this will mean that this person gets off scott free and that's what I'm beginning to think will be okay with me? I mean by every experience I've ever had I should have told this sister in Christ where to go! Instead, I'm praying for her? I can't believe that I'm actually pursuing someone who has hurt me tremendously. This is the kind of baloney people write about in books and give you steps to implement stuff. As I stop and think about it I realize that after I am done with this, and she is restored, there's pretty much no reason why I won't be able to love and forgive anybody for just about anything. Why am I not fighting this or looking for a convient out? It's a blessing and a curse. She's going to walk away with the greater offense and I am going to gain only the knowledge that I did the right thing. If all of you out there olny knew what had happened to me you would be saying, "dude are you serious? why didn't you verbally retort or pull out all that scripture to run her into the ground with? she's almost single-handedly dismantled your ministry!" You would look at me and say, "You want to actually restore her and pursue her?" Let me tell you that what I am experiencing right now, it's no wonder I use to be so token. I've been a Christian for eighteen years and a full time minister for eight of those years and I've just discovered that I've never really given grace! God help me, because I think I'm growing as a Christian and relaize I'm going to lose myslef in the process.