Whatever it is that makes me dread praying – makes church so unpleasant – fills me with fear of getting too close to the truth – whatever it is, it isn’t God.
When I look at it properly, my life is a demonstration of Immanuel – God with us – he’s always been with me, always been ready to take me back. He’s shown himself to be trustworthy, but I just fear him.
What drives me away from him? Why can’t I be comfortable with him? Is it guilt about how I’ve betrayed him? If so, I clearly don’t understand what he and Jesus have done.
I actually think it’s because I don’t trust him – I don’t want to give myself up to him.
Anyway, I just wanted to say in front of everyone: it’s not God driving me away – it can feel like that, but it’s not.
Thanks for those thoughts. It’s good to be reminded that God is for us as we look forward to another year… My church has just started a series on Romans 8 – last week we looked at verses 1-4 and the big message was “No Condemnation”. That was just what I needed to hear, cos so often I feel like everything I do or am is going to fail, not be enough, be useless, get criticised etc. and so it’s not worth even bothering. A lot of life is like that, and I tend to think that God is no better or more loving than what I’m used to. But He is!!!
A few days ago I was thinking about how when life seems frustrating and dry and not going anywhere special, I tend to blame myself and think that it’s my fault – that my life should be satisfying and exciting, cos Christians are supposed to ‘have life to the full’ and ‘be content in all circumstances’.
But then I realised that it’s not (just) something wrong with me – this world really is frustrating, as Paul and Ecclesiastes both wrote. And even Paul felt perplexed at times. If we look at the world ‘under the sun’, we will feel despair. But the difference is that we can go through this world with God, and He is always with us.
If I never pray, it’s no surprise that life seems too much, because I’ve lost touch with the One who makes it all meaningful. But if I do pray, not only does God remind me of what’s really
valuable, He also promises to act when we ask Him to help us. It’s amazing to think that He will actually change things when we ask Him to. Too often I’m put off praying cos I feel stupid and unimaginative and not up to the job, but I need to learn that all it takes is for me to ask Him to act – He doesn’t need impressive words. He’s a God of grace and love.